Living With Writers
Writers—let’s face it, we’re an odd bunch.
I’m serious. If you don’t believe me, the next time you are in a bookstore try and play ‘spot the writer’. It’s actually pretty easy, we are usually the sun deprived ones sporting a caffeine-induced eye twitch, RSI-riddled typing fingers and indented craniums from repeatedly bashing our foreheads into our keyboards from prose-borne frustration.
With this in mind, it would be easy to see why the rest of civilisation might be inclined to give us a wide berth whilst we are out and about; we are certainly a strange and obsessive breed.
Infatuated with our own imaginary worlds, we are the sort of people who will happily sit in the corner at a party as we plan a way to get back at the guy who cut us off at the traffic lights by putting him in our next book just so we can kill him off. Meanwhile, all the other guests are busy making polite conversation as we grin like demented idiots and chuckle maniacally into our punch cups.
And don’t even get me started on what happens when some poor, unsuspecting fool decides to interrupt our devious plotting and ask, “How’s the book going?”
Oh those poor, sad, unfortunate people. They clearly have no idea what they’re getting themselves into.
Don’t get me wrong though, having been firmly bitten by the writing bug myself, it is a lifestyle I wouldn’t give up for quids. The lows, rejections, and occasional aggravations which inevitably accompany this craft are far outweighed by the sheer joy that comes with being able to see a new story take its form through your very own words.
It is a very special type of magic, one you really have to experience for yourself to truly appreciate. It’s addictive and, quite frankly, I don’t think I could envision my life without it.
But with every magical act of creation, there is often great pain—not only for ourselves, but also for people with whom we share our lives. As writers, we all owe a collective debt of gratitude to the people who surround us: to our partners, our children, our roommates and our friends.
We owe them for enduring our mental absences as we ponder complex plot points during important conversations. We owe them for witnessing the tantrums we throw when our words stubbornly refuse to do what we want them to. We owe them for not suffocating us in our sleep for being single-minded, story fixated loons.
So with this in mind, I plan to begin repaying some of this accumulated debt on behalf of us all. To every non-writer out there who has shared their life with one of our peculiar kind, firstly I would like to say thank you. That you have not yet faced aggravated murder charges for enduring our nonsense is a credit to you all (especially when there is probably not a jury in the world that would convict you).
Secondly I would like to offer you all something that will make each of your lives that much simpler. With my most heartfelt gratitude I present to you <insert game show theme music here>. . .
6 Simple Rules for Living with a Writer:
Rule #1: Monosyllabic grunts are a totally acceptable form of communication.
If our head is firmly buried in a notebook or staring at a screen, you would probably do well to avoid attempting to initiate conversation in the first place. But, if you really must insist on having a chat whilst we are mid-paragraph, please accept that our brain’s linguistic faculties are firmly engaged elsewhere. If you are fortunate enough to get an “ungh” out of us, please take it to mean that “I really appreciate you as a person, and I would love to sit down and have a meaningful conversation with you. Now is not a really a good time though, and if I don’t finish getting this thought down I may be tempted to start throwing things in your general direction.”
Rule #2: The hot water system will refill itself eventually.
Yes, we know that there is only so much hot water in the morning. And yes, we know you don’t like having a freezing cold shower when you wake up, but the best ideas strike wherever they may and they deserve our fullest attention when they do.
Really, what is more important? That we finally manage to nail that dialogue sequence that has been bothering us? Or that you don’t catch hypothermia as you’re getting ready for work?
Just apply little perspective, that is all we’re asking for.
That and a waterproof laptop that we can use in the shower.
Rule #3: No, we did not base that character on you.
Seriously, we didn’t.
They may bear some loose physical resemblance to you, or might use a similar way of phrasing their words, but their painful and gruesome fate is by no way a reflection of our underlying opinion of you.
Unless you really liked the character and they managed to live happily ever after, then yes, we actually did base it on you.
Rule #4: No, we did not base that character on your mum / dad / boyfriend / girlfriend / sister / brother / cousin / next door neighbour / carpool buddy.
Please see above.
Rule #5: This is legitimate research, just go with it.
Of course we could try and look it up on Wikipedia, but that won’t tell us exactly how hard it is to drag a body down a flight of stairs and stuff it into a car boot. Just be quiet, and we promise we’ll let you out soon enough.
Now where did you put the duct tape?
Rule #6: We really can’t do it without you.
Yes, we are all too aware that we can become a little fixated on our writing, and your continued patience with us as we move through draft after draft is truly a thing of wonder. We sincerely appreciate that you help us celebrate our successes and give us the space we need to solve our quandaries. You are by far our most important readers, reviewers and critics.
Thank you for all that you do, and for accepting that all too often this gratitude is usually expressed with a simple yet sincere “ungh”.
TC Phillips cohabitates peacefully with his loving wife, three young children, a spoilt cat and an overactive imagination. An avid reader from a young age, he has held a long standing attraction for the written word and is excited to able to make his own contributions to the vibrant and ever shifting world of storytelling. Holding degrees in both Theatre Studies and Education, he is also currently completing his Master of Arts (Writing) through Swinburne University of Technology.
Phillips’ story, “Ripper Bound,” anchors Terra Mechanica: a Steampunk Anthology, slated for release May 31, 2014.
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